A letter to my readers

Dear Friends,

I think it’s time I did some explaining.

Jimmy Moore recently had a reader ask him a question that I’m sure has been on many minds. They wanted to know why many low-carb representatives were not “skinny”. I think it’s certainly a valid question. It’s also well timed as this is something I’ve been needing to address myself and wasn’t sure where to start.

I can’t speak for anyone else. There are many bloggers like myself, putting their lives in the public eye and sharing what they’ve learned – mistakes and all. As of late I’ve been sharing a lot less, and I’ll admit it’s mostly out of shame.

To be succinct, I’ve simply fallen apart. I’ve tried to put on a brave face and pretend it’s not happening, but I simply can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to you.

On the low-carb cruise earlier this year I was sadly about 25-30 lbs from my goal weight, and this was after losing about 35 lbs in the previous months while trying The 6 Week Cure. Despite the fact that I’ve been low-carbing for almost 10 years, I’ve had a really bumpy ride. After being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Depression almost 12 years go, I’ve never quite been the same person. I’m not very active, though I’d love to be. I require more sleep than the average person. It takes a lot to keep me going each day, and my engine seems to run on fumes most of the time. So when I found the low-carb lifestyle in 2001, I was ecstatic. I was feeling better, looking better and my health issues were slowing resolving themselves. I was able to go a long time without any anti-depressants.  I hit my goal weight and felt better than I ever had – with the exception of still fighting fatigue. While I did have more energy than I’d experience before low-carbing, it honestly wouldn’t take much to be more than I had before.

So I maintained for a good 6 months or so. Then life kicked us in the head… hard. My husband was let go from a good job, our only income, because of a company buy out. We struggled to care for two babies and ourselves for 9 months. I found myself seeking comfort from food once again. When I realized what I was doing to myself, I struggled to get it under control. Sadly I’d already started gaining back the weight.

Since then I’ve lost and regained countless times. But I’ve never given up and I’ve managed to do pretty good most of the time. Now fast forward to last year. I’m doing okay… still not at my goal weight, but not anywhere near my highest weight.  My eating was mostly low-carb, with the occasional bad choice thrown in, which is likely why I wasn’t making any real progress in the weight-loss area. Then again we fell into some financial difficulties thanks to a floundering economy and a main income that involved sales. My stress coping methods, quite frankly, stink to high heaven. Again I fed my emotions, and this time I found myself not caring. I have no real excuses for this.  It just is what it is.

Within a very short amount of time I had gained back all my weight, plus a little. It left me feeling like a huge failure, and I beat myself up daily over it. Then I learned about The 6 Week Cure and decided to give it a try. It worked well for me, taking off almost 35 lbs. The other motivating factor was the cruise. I didn’t want to show up on the cruise weighing more than I ever have in my life.

After coming home from the cruise, I continued to use the 6 Week Cure, but suddenly found it difficult. I have no idea why when it seemed so incredibly easy before.  Our financial situation continued to get worse. Shortly after that full blown depression set in. I kept telling myself I could handle it. I could eat right and it would be fine. But I was lying to myself. This was more than even diet can handle.

I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced fatigue and depression to the extend that you no longer care about… well, pretty much anything. If you have, you’ll understand what I’m saying. If you haven’t, I just ask that you keep an open mind. Please don’t label people with these issues as lazy or hypochondriacs. It’s much more complicated than just waking up each morning and saying “I will feel great today!” It just doesn’t work that way. You wake up and wonder if you’ll have the strength to even get out of bed. When you do finally drag yourself out, you then have to find the strength to get through the morning, then the afternoon, then the evening. Depending on your responsibilities, that can be overwhelming. For me it certainly has been. I’ve tried to maintain this blog, somewhat unsuccessfully, write for various entities, pursue my photography career, care for a home and family, and homeschool my two children. It’s a lot to handle for a healthy person – it’s all but impossible for someone in my current state.

Cooking became a burden, as did the clean up required afterwards. It took up energy I quite frankly didn’t have. So we started living off of fast food and quick meals. The kind of stuff that I would never have touched before. But when you have an extremely limited budget, as well as extremely limited energy, those  boxes of spaghetti and hamburger helper look pretty good. I’m sure you can guess what happened then. I gained back the weight I’d lost earlier in the year. I’m now once again at my highest weight of 203. Something I promised myself I’d never see again.

It’s very hard to admit this to you, but I have to. I had to admit to myself recently that I’ve fallen apart and I need help. Thankfully a friend pointed me in the direction of clinic that works on a sliding scale, so I can once again seek medical care without the added stress of large bills I can’t pay. (You may remember I’m the only one in my family without medical coverage.)

I took the initiative to get help last week. After a fasting blood test, we discovered I’m very low in Vit. D, which should be no big surprise considering my fatigue. It makes me wonder how long I’ve been deficient. I’d guess for a very long time. I started my Vit. D therapy today and at my next appointment later this week will discuss going back on anti-depressants again, at least until things are under control.

My plans also include regular exercise, even if it’s just walking around the block, and rigid meal planning, all induction friendly.

In short I’m starting over my friends.

Recently I was named as a low-carb hero in an article someone wrote. While I feel very honored, I also feel shame. If I was placed there because I am trying to share information and help others, then I am thankful. If I was placed there because of my success, I certainly don’t deserve the honor. Another article I read recently discussed my long-term success, saying I’d maintained for 5 years. I apologize to everyone for this misconception. I thought I’d mentioned my weight struggles many times on here, but apparently I haven’t made it obvious enough. I don’t want to deceive anyone in any way.

I guess this was my long answer to the above question. Why am I not skinny? Because I messed up. Because, like the rest of you, I’m human and I make bad decisions sometimes. Because I don’t handle stress well at all. I must reiterate that it is NOT the low-carb lifestyle that has failed. I failed.

It’s been hard to type these words. To admit in front of thousands of people that I’ve dropped the ball in such a huge way. But I hope that I’ll emerge stronger for it and more determined to make this work once and for all. I also hope that any of you who are struggling will see that we have to just keep plugging along and doing our best. I always say that falling down is not failure, it’s not getting back up that is the problem. I fell down, and for a while I just laid there and wallowed in it. But this isn’t me.  So I’ve picked myself back up and will continue on. I hope you will all continue this journey with me.  It will take me a bit to get moving … I have a lot to overcome to be myself again. But I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I hope you’ll stick with me while I rediscover the joys of this wonderful lifestyle.

Many hugs to my wonderful friends all over the world,

Amy